How Do I Deal With “Girl Drama?”

Dr. Joy Miller PhD., LCPC, Joy Miller & Associates, Private Practice, identified the following labels for the roles girls play in groups. Help your daughter to ask the herself the following questions: “Which of these roles am I playing in my group of friends?” “Do I like the role I am playing?”  “How can I change that role if it is causing me distress or going against my conscience?” “What support do I need to leave my group is that is the best choice?”

• The Queen Bee:  I am the person who leads the pack.  My way of feeling important is to make sure that I stay the leader, even if it means that I have to criticize or exclude others to do it. I need to make sure no one gets away with criticizing me or discovering that I am actually pretty insecure on the inside. I’ve had my own share of bullying and I’m going to make sure no one takes me down again.
• The Sidekick: I am the best friend of the Queen Bee. My confidence comes from the fact that I’m a loyal insider, even if it means that I ignore how she criticizes or excludes other girls. In fact, I criticize other girls too, in order to show the Queen Bee what a good friend I am. I would like to be a leader, but don’t have the confidence to challenge the Queen Bee. Being her sidekick keeps me safe from being bullied by others and that’s all I care about.
• The Floater: I typically move from group to group and don’t stick with one group. The reason I can do this is that I have learned how to get along with all types of people. Sometimes I get stressed because I worry that a particular group will decide they don’t like me anymore, but mostly, I have figured out how to be nice to everyone without getting caught up in group dramas. My humor and brains help me out a lot.
• The Banker: I am the person who holds the “secrets” of the girls in the group. These “secrets” are like “currency” which I use to maintain my status in the group. I am good at getting friends to trust me with their confidences, but I’m not good at keeping confidences, especially if I think that sharing a piece of damaging gossip will keep me at the top of the group with the Queen Bee. I’ve gotten pretty good at little “white lies” to convince friends that I am loyal.
• The Torn Bystander: I know there are some really mean things happening in my group of friends, but I don’t want to risk my place in the group to take a stand.  I feel bad for girls who get targeted by the Queen Bee and other group insiders.  I find myself caught in the middle alot, making excuses for things I know are mean.  But what I am supposed to do?  I would die if a bunch of rumors got spread around about me and I didn’t have any friends.
• The Wannabee: I “wannabee” part of the group, but I am not really one of the accepted members. Sometimes I pick on girls who are being targeted by the group leaders to show that I am loyal,  but I don’t know if they like me for sure or not.  I am constantly thinking about what I can do to fit in.
• The Target: I feel completely isolated and helpless. My life is miserable because of the constant humiliation I experience from mean girls. Why do I find myself in these situations? What’s wrong with me? I don’t know why I can’t stick up for myself better. Sometimes I just wish I could die. I want a true friend more than anything in the world.

Remember, Healthy Transitions for Girls can help!  Use Healthy Transitions for Girls to help girls learn to set boundaries, learn coping skills, and learn how to build supportive friendships.