How Do I Help A Child Who Is Confused About Gender?
With your constructive love, help, honesty, and support
David Pruden, MS,
growth is possible.
There is an epidemic of kids who feel they were “born in the wrong body.” This dramatic increase in kids who believe they are transgender is a social contagion. They are being told that their true gender is waiting to emerge, that the gender they were “assigned” at birth is oppressing their self-expression. They are told that parents who disagree with their feelings about gender are guilty of discrimination. Tragically, these views are being perpetuated in every institution of our society, from peer influences, and from social media. Frightened parents are being told that if they don’t go along with their child’s desire to “transition” that their child will commit suicide. Words cannot describe the fear and grief of parents who face this loss.
If you are one of these parents, you deserve to get real facts, real science. You need to know your rights. The Child & Parent Rights Campaign has excellent resources for parents who are being impacted by this social epidemic. Their FREE download, Navigating the Transgender Landscape, provides essential information for you and for the institutions that serve your child. You will also find emotional support from Parent with Inconvenient Truth about Trans (PITT). weekly support.
Recently, I watched an interview between psychologist Dr. Jordan Peterson and Chloe Cole, a “de-transitioner” who had a mastectomy at age 15. What really hit me was that during the interview was the sexual pressure that dominated her puberty years and influenced her to explore various forms of sexual acting out. Her media and peer influences taught her that there was nothing safe or desirable about her female body. Breasts were for sexual exploitation in a male dominated society. (She was groped by a male bully at school.) Nothing about her experience helped her to feel that being a girl was special. She now laments that she was never taught to value motherhood and nurturing children, the real purpose for changing breasts. Breasts were for sexual exploitation in a male dominated society. (She was groped by a male bully at school.) She now laments that she was never taught to value motherhood and nurturing children, the real purpose for changing breasts. My Healthy Transitions for Girls Program fills in these gaps during the critical time when girls body’s are changing and they need help to make sense of those changes.
As a therapist, I urge you to find a therapist who supports your values; most therapists are trained that the only way to help children with “gender dysphoria” is “gender affirming therapy.” Gender affirming therapy affirms the child’s definition of gender and aids him/her on the path of transitioning, first through social transitioning (new name, new pronouns, new peer culture, changes in appearance) and then, through medical transitioning (puberty blockers, cross-sex hormones, and in many cases, reassignment surgery procedures like mastectomy and castration). This is a path of no return. Statistics vary, but credible science shows that, if a child does NOT receive gender affirming therapy, 80 to 95% will resolve their gender confusion by late adolescence.
Finding a therapist who supports parents’ rights and gender based upon biological sex is not easy. Therapists who go against the norm of gender affirming therapy risk censure from professional organizations and licensure boards. And candidly, therapists as a whole tend to follow the lead of their professional organizations who long ago lost their moral and scientific compass. In my master’s residency, nearly half of the twelve people in my cohort said they would support sexual relationships between adults and children, if scientific research said it was beneficial for the child. Too many therapists (doctors, teachers,) believe that the “system” is the expert, not the parents. There is an attitude that what the child thinks and wants is superior to the values and guidance of the parents. So DO get help for your child, but be wary. Don’t just turn your child over to a therapist and hope for the best.
This downloadable resource, from Partners for Ethical Care, teaches you how to screen for therapists who support gender affirming therapy and choose a therapist who is a “gender-critical therapist.”
Remembering that “there is no compassion without Truth,” I urge you to hold fast to the Biblical and scientific definitions of gender: “The norm for human development is for an individual’s thoughts to align with physical reality; for an individual’s gender identity to align with biologic sex.” (American College of Pediatricians, 2018.) Listen to your child’s concerns. Seek to understand why they reject their biological gender. What do they feel “unsafe” as a girl or boy? Why do they feel unsafe in their body? You can validate feelings and show compassion without compromising your values. In this video, a wise mother shares how she used these principles to help her children who were questioning their gender identity because of peer influences:
A Mom Responds to Her Adult Daughter Who is Transitioning to Become “Male”
Although families will be guided to handle these situations in different ways, notice how this mother honestly shares her feelings with her adult child, yet works to keep a loving connection. (Realize that this is one of many conversations that may not have been so positive.)
Adult Daughter Transitioning to Male: Mom, when you say, “Hey Girl,” it offends me. I am they/them.
Mom: I apologize. My intensions would never be to hurt your feelings, I have said, “Hey Girl” to you for 25 years. It is a term of endearment from my heart to yours.
Adult Daughter Transitioning to Male: I know you would never try to hurt me. I want you to call me what I want to be called, I identify as they/them non binary.
Mom: Please give me some time. I am not trying to disrespect you. I am trying to learn about you and your new endeavors. Please understand that I have addressed you one way my whole life…Not only am I trying to change what I call you, but we are also taught from a very young age that they/them is more than one person, you are asking to be called by plural pronouns, you are one person. Do you mind if I call you by your name when I talk to you and if I say “she,” will you please forgive me and wink?
Adult Daughter Transitioning to Male: She laughs and agrees.
One Final Resource…
The Alliance for Therapeutic Choice and Scientific Integrity, an organization that honors credible science with a faith-based foundation, has an excellent resource for heartbroken parents children that have “come out.” You will find a wonderful balance of compassion and Truth in their discussion of “constructive love.“